All is Fair in Love and War… but Not in Marriage
BY ZACIL CONTRERAS, MFTC
I want to talk about relationships, after all I am a marriage and family therapist. ☺ In this blog, I’m exploring what happens when we go toe-to-toe with the loves of our lives and how to win.
Have you ever done something to piss off your other half because you got into a fight? Yeah, me neither…
I used to “forget” to wash shirts that were needed for work sometimes; I have a friend who withholds sex; and many of us know those (or are the ones) who can go radio silence for days, sometimes weeks.
It’s unrealistic to think we’ll get along with our partner ALL the time. Fighting, arguing, debating, or strongly communicating with each other is something that happens in every relationship at some point or another. But there are a couple of key communication tactics that can help minimize the conflict and increase the feeling of connection - that’s a win in my book!
Think of the last fight you had with your other half… Do you remember how you got to the point you shut down/yelled/or walked away?
For most couples, it happens way, way earlier than the fight itself. It often starts with not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings. Sound familiar? “Ugh, I hate that he shaves and doesn’t wipe down the sink.” or “Every time she showers there is a Wookie in the drain.” But instead of addressing it in the moment, we swallow our feelings and continue with our day. We may even think we’re being smart with the approach of “pick & choose your battles.” Unfortunately, what can happen in a lot of instances is we’re actually hiding our true feelings from our partner; these small irritations add up until our body, mind, and soul can no longer bottle up any more “little” annoyances anymore and the result is when you see your partner leaving a plate out on the counter and not putting it in the dishwasher you think, “He is the worst human being on the planet!”
Has this ever happened to you?
Miscommunication often comes from a place of love. We don’t want to fight so we don’t share our feelings, but then we each are guessing, which becomes frustrating, and before you know it your couplehood communication has snowballed out of control and you question if you’re even with the right person.
How do we stop this snowball from crushing our relationship?
If you love your partner, let them know when they are being a jackass! YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE NOT MIND READERS! If you don’t like what they are doing or how they are doing something, let them know. Let’s be clear - I’m not saying you should be mean and say something hurtful for them not putting that dish in the washer, but a “Hey babe, can you help us out by putting your dishes away? It would really help keep things tidy.” And my guess is your other half will put their dish away and move on. No hurt feelings and you don’t have to bottle that up.
Easy? NO! Especially if you come from a passive-aggressive type of family like I do. The key is voicing your need in a respectful and loving manner, remembering that keeping it in, in order to “keep the peace” often doesn’t work in the long run. Silence is the enemy; taking the first step to saying, “sorry” is hard, but with enough practice your relationship is bound to improve and you’ll be able to catch yourself before the communication snowball hits the fan.
No need to feel bad that you have conflict; it’s normal. But when things continue to be silent between the two of you, or if the frequency or intensity of your conflict increases, then maybe it’s time to look for some help - and I don’t mean just you or just your partner. Couples counseling is something I recommend for all serious partners. Think of it as a tune-up for the relationship, from a professional able to provide a unique, helpful, & outside perspective!
If you have relationship concerns or need some support in learning to communicate more openly, please feel free to reach out and we can come up with some ideas to help.
Contact me at Info@HealthySelfHealthyLife.com